‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Who Wins the Nickathlon?

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Oh my god, we’re back again! And if anyone can answer the question, “Am I sexual?” it’s Corinne. But if she’s everything you need, you’d better rock your body back to reality.

Most Bachelor villains have a shelf life that mirrors, say, the amount of time it’s socially acceptable for a kid to have a nanny. But seeing as how this very serious businesswoman has no problem bucking other norms like common decency, keeping it in your pants and piggybacking off daddy’s business well into your 20’s, we can expect her season 21 tenure to drag on longer than it should.

I Want It That Way
Petulance may not be a virtue (remember, “Corinne’s life is glamorous”), but this cucumber aficionado has captured Nick’s attention despite her classless hold-my-titties wedding photos, hyper-aggressive manstealing and kiss-rape sessions.
Viewers and contestants alike were shocked when she nabbed the group date rose and annoyed by her “It’s going to get weird” lecture, wondering why the hell Nick would choose to squander all the goodwill he built up just for another romp between the sheets.
She’s easily the most hated in the house, and that’s before her Mount Nick conquest and the Raquel revelation. There is no way she’s viewed as wifey material, but she’d probably be fun in the fantasy suite if she can avoid a wrong-reasons tattletale until overnights beckon. Personally, I can’t wait to see her in paradise, though I do have grave concerns about whether the family business can survive without her.
Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely
When we last left Bachelor Nick, he was on a Museum of Broken Relationships group date kicking Nick f***er Liz to the curb after she spilled the beans of their wedding tryst to the Virgin Christ-en. And while I would love to hear intimate details of her work as a doula, it’s time for us all to move on and focus on finding true love sans giant back tats.
But first, how will the ladies react to the eye-opener that Nick has hit and quit yet another female? I can’t imagine anyone will voluntarily depart over a one-night stand when it’s highly publicized that he knocked boots with both Andi and Kaitlyn, though we’d normally need to wait until the final three for this type of carnal knowledge. Still, it was nine months ago, and it’s not like there were any illusions that this fellow was chaste (oh, and Christ-en got the date rose as a reward for her troubles).
Zero women leave despite widespread concerns, but there’s more Corinne drama before we get to the posies that should’ve ended the last episode. (I hate the “cliffhanger.”) She dons a trench coat with nothing underneath and administers sloppy tongue kisses before encouraging Nick to lick whipped cream off her left boob. Dad must be proud.
Nick complies, but the red flags are too much even for his loose morals. He pumps the brakes, prompting Corinne to flee in tears and contemplate self-elimination.
All I Have to Give
Very serious businesswoman Corinne (who refers to Nick’s indiscretion as “intercourse”), other favorite neo-natal nurse Danielle M. and the Virgin Christ-en are safe. And as such, Corinne opts to nap through the rose ceremony, which does not sit well. The remaining flowers go to:
Heil Astrid
Bi-racial rollerblading-in-a-crop-top too-smart-for-Nick Taylor
Pilates instructor Whitney
Russian orphan Kristina
Partially-exposed nail salon owner Danielle L.
Vacuuming lawyer/Great Black Hope Rachel
Frontrunning Italian-Canadian special ed teacher Vanessa
Four wheeler-riding, gun-shooting and boutique-owning Raven
“I have balls” chef/partial lesbian Jaimi
Waitress Dominique
Jazzercising grade-school teacher Sarah
Sharkphin Alexis
Adam and Eve bikini Brittany
Lonely kitty cat seal-whisperer Josephine
NBA dancer and Neil Lane companion Jasmine
That means it’s the end of the line for commando Canadian Hailey (who deserves to go home just for wearing a bra with that low-cut top), camel-riding Lacey and half wedding gown/half middle school recital costume Elizabeth W. Bon voyage, blonde friends. We hardly knew ye.
Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)
The Backstreet Boys were founded in 1993, a time when some of these women were likely motivating their parents to tie the knot. But that doesn’t stop them from losing their minds when A.J., Howie, Nick, Kevin and Brian saunter in, drop a few bars of “I Want It That Way” and whisk Danielle L., Christ-en, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine and Corinne off on a date decades in the making.
A long day of dance rehearsals, complete with yet another Corinne insecurity meltdown, ends with the suitorettes performing as back-up dancers in front of hundreds of crying 35-year-old BSB fans. Jasmine has the clear advantage, but it’s Danielle L. who impresses and wins an a capella “I Want It That Way” performance that ends with a passionate kiss.
“Nothing like being serenaded by the Backstreet Boys,” says my wife, who literally cannot stop giggling through the entire date. “This is so stupid. It brings me back to fifth grade.”
Shape of My Heart
It’s been the worst day of Corinne’s privileged life, having to watch Nick lock lips with another woman, and she’s done playing games. She steals him first and apologizes for her struggles with the “plan dancing” (choreography) and the previous evening’s whip-its. He tells her not to worry, reciprocates her smooches and, once again, all is right in the world. So she ducks out for another snooze.
Danielle L.’s chemistry with Nick intensifies into a face-molesting make-out session and earns her the date rose, but Corinne steals the show with tales of her nanny. Raquel makes the bed, does the laundry and is the master of the lemon salad, and all the big-girl stuff Corinne has had to do in the mansion hasn’t been fun.
Larger Than Life
The next date card goes to Vanessa, meaning my two favorites are the recipients of the first one-on-one dates, and it’s off for a ride on a Zero G plane to simulate the weightlessness of outer space.
They share a floating space kiss, but unfortunately, Vanessa’s stomach joins her heart in doing flip flops. She’s mortified, but like any gentleman, he holds her Ralph bag and even puckers up afterwards. It’s gross but, you know, sweet. But gross.
They ascend the highest building in LA, where she opens up about losing her grandfather three weeks before the show. He counters with his fears of having his heart broken again and a distrust of his own emotions, and they forge a deep and depressing emotional bond. Vanessa makes him optimistic and confident, and that is worth a date rose.
Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)
The final date card — I’m done playing the field — goes to Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany and Dominique, who will be competing in the high jump, long jump, javelin toss, shot put and 100-meter dash (collectively known as “The Nickathalon”) for some hot tub time with Nick.
The Bachelor enlists 10-time Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis, “shot diva” Michelle Carter and Allyson Felix (the most decorated US woman in Olympic track and field history) to provide the training. Still, Astrid could use a bit more “support” up top, if you catch my voluptuous drift.
Rachel, Alexis and Astrid advance to the dash, where they must sprint to a fake ring and then the Jacuzzi. But Rachel fumbles the hand-off, allowing the trailing Astrid to scoop up the remnants and score the steamy spa smooch.
 
I’ll Never Break Your Heart
Dominique embarks on a cheese and whine fest about being overlooked, and it devolves into tears once her plan to steal Nick is thwarted by her own inaction. Rachel advises her to get out of her own head and talk it out, and after he kisses literally everyone else, Dominique confronts him over not giving her a fair chance or going out of his way to reassure her.
It’s combative and a game-ender, and he bottoms out the downward spiral by sending her home on the spot. The other women are rattled, but they respect his forthrightness. And the rose goes to the next Bachelorette, aka Rachel, the Great Black Hope, who like Neo is starting to believe.
As Long As You Love Me
Nick cancels the cocktail party in favor of what is billed as a more laid-back pool party, but 17 pent-up, bikini-clad, boozed-filled temptresses fighting over one man-whore is anything but relaxed.
He’s open for business and gets felt-up more than a Martha Stewart craft collection, but Corinne has a special surprise and straddles him inside a princess bouncy house. You know, like the kids do.
It’s the Debbie Downer of swim bashes, and while the other ladies sulk, Corinne sneaks away for a power nap. It’s a little known fact that very serious businesswomen need to sleep at least 20 minutes every four hours, lest they become moderately serious businesswomen.
Raven is the first to speak up about Corinne, her nanny and her basic inability to handle adult responsibilities (except run a multi-million dollar business empire — I mean, god, it’s tiring). She is followed by Jasmine, Taylorand Vanessa, who voice their collective concerns over Nick showering a 24-year-old brat with, err, attention.
Drowning
Previous favorite Vanessa flat-out asks Nick if he is looking for a wife or someone to f*** around with (in which case, he clearly would’ve kept Liz), questioning his actions and threatening to quit. She’s not wrong, but she may have upped the ante a little too high this early in the competition.
Nick rests his head in his hand, looking more uncomfortable during the confrontation than he does in the end sequence when he’s forced to listen to Josephine serenading him with an original (and terrible) song.
It’s “to be continued,” but solving a problem like Corinne is not about to get any easier. What do you think? Can Nick’s relationships thrive while she’s in the house? Or is her presence too much of a distraction? And did Vanessa ruin her chances by taking a hard stance? Will her words be a turn off? Or a wake up call?
Who are your favorites, and were you surprised by Dominique’s meltdown and abrupt departure? Finally, how much do you love everything that comes out of Alexis’ mouth? Is she the hidden hero of The Bachelor season 21 and another contestant who will be more than welcome in paradise? Let us know your thoughts in the comments section below.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

(Image courtesy of ABC)

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